Leaving With Dignity & Kindness

 I commented on a post this morning that a great Instagram Page I follow @thedatecoach had listed which said:

"Ghosting is terrible but ghosting someone 

after 4 months is just cruel. We have all

had that negative, sometimes angry response

for doing the right thing by saying "I'm just not feeling it"

Makes you not want to do the right thing but I think 

it's still worth it.

Do the right thing! You'll be a better person for it!"

my response was...

"I have spoken to many women 

who have found being ghosted 

absolutely devastating. It is always

better to do the right thing and tell 

the person you don't want to pursue.

Ghosting causes so much damage to 

the other person's self esteem."

...and that is true for us women too. If you begin to feel that the man you have been communicating with or perhaps have been on a couple of dates with isn't the man for you, it's essential as a good, dignified, well mannered woman to tell him so. We know how it feels to be ghosted...or what I call Tumbleweeded and it is horrible. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the terms, it is when you have been dating someone, even if it is just at the very beginning of the communications and they disappear. No more contact, no more response to your contact, deliberately withdrawing themselves without a word of explanation as to why. It leaves you racked with self doubt and questioning your short comings. Not at all the place we, as women with solid foundations and boundaries want to be!

So why would we put a good man in that place? We simply wouldn't!

But a question I am asked a lot is, HOW?

"How do I let him down gently?"

"How do I avoid him being arsey with me...or worse NOT getting the message and leaving me alone?"

The answer is that you have to be clear and firm. No dilly dallying, no back tracking and no excuses or little white lies. You owe it to him and more importantly, you owe it to yourself. Leaving someone can be hard but you can make it easier on both of you and you can make it much much healthier for your self worth and self esteem and THAT is what is important to us. You want to come out of the 'ending it' conversation feeling like a good person. Feeling like someone who has been kind and considerate and dignified.

Below are some phrases and comments that you can use which are clear but kind. It is important to define 'why' you are ending the dating with the other person so that they have closure on why this encounter didn't work out. It is important that you do not dent their self esteem in any way so giving them a clear message that it is the relationship that you don't see happening and that is your motivation for ending things and NOT that there is anything 'wrong' with them, it is the right thing to do.

"But there IS something wrong with him and he needs to know it!" 

...good women sometimes say to me. Does he though? Just because there are things about him that may be wrong for you doesn't mean that they would be wrong for another woman. That is not your judgement to make. If he needs to self analyse why he has had several un-successful dating encounters and once you have had the 'ending it conversation', he asks you what it was about him that didn't align with you, then you may wish to respectfully respond but it is not appropriate or necessary, kind or dignified to include that in the initial break-up message that you are giving. 

Depending on the length and level of accountability of the encounter you have had with the person ( read my blog post 'Levels of Accountability in Dating' if you are unsure of this) there are several ways of communicating your intention of ending the connection and you should, in good consciousness, decide which is the appropriate method. An encounter of a few back and forth emails would be appropriate to end with a final email however a connection of several weeks, lots of communication and 3 full dates would warrant a face to face let down. Your conscious will tell you if the method you are considering doesn't quite make the grade so even if you are cringing at the prospect of delivering the message, it's big girl pants on time and these suggestions will ease both of your pain: 

Incompatibility

“After a relationship ends, build a bridge, get over it, and burn that bridge

 so you won’t be tempted to cross it again.” - Unknown

Sometimes, although there are many good points about the man that you have been dating, there are things that are not quite ringing your bell. In that case it is time to say so and to end it: 

"I have grown to realise that we have some differences in how we see our futures so I wish to release you to find someone else that you are more compatible with because you deserve that."

"I feel that how we both wish to live our lives will not be compatible in the long term and to save us both from disappointment I wish to end our dating here."

"We all deserve to be with the ones that make us happy, not the ones that make us miserable and although I see some compatibilities in us, there are not enough for me to continue to a relationship."

 

Different Futures

“You have to go out on a limb sometimes because that’s where all the fruit is” – Will Rogers

Although the 'now' with the person you are dating may be fine and dandy, if you spot anything that isn't going to make your relationship future everything that you want it to be (and you can find out more about how to really know what you want in your future in my blog post "Your Relationship Future") then it is time to say so and to end it:

"Dating is not about finding the perfect person, which is why so many relationships end but it is about finding someone who shares the same expectations and I don’t feel that we do."

"I have begun to realise that we have some differences in how we see our futures panning out so I feel the need to end our communications and find someone that my future dreams are more aligned with."

"I have thoroughly enjoyed the time I have spent with you however I feel that will not be enough to build a future on together because of our differing outlooks."

 

 

After A Lovely Encounter

“Never regret a relationship that has ended. If it was good, then that is wonderful. If it was bad, then you have experience.” - Unknown

Often we continue dating someone or enter into a relationship with them because there are many parts about them and the encounters that you have had with them that are wonderful but in your heart you know that they are not your 'One'. To be fair to them and yourself it is time to say so and to end it:

"We have spent some unforgettable moments together but I have given it a lot of thought and I no longer wish to continue with our dating."

"You are such a lovely man and good person however I am not feeling a romantic connection with you."

"It has been a great experience meeting you, one that I would not exchange for anything in the world. I don’t see a long term happiness for us though so to save us both from disappointment, I would like to end our communication here." 

 

 

With Regret

“Courage doesn’t mean you don’t get afraid. Courage means you don’t let fear stop you” 

– Bondi Guru

The turnabout in your feelings towards someone can sometimes leave you feeling that it is such a shame that things didn't work out. If that is how you feel it is time to say so and to end it:

"I will never regret what we had for it has been a great experience for the both of us but the truth is that for me I am not seeing a future us."

"This marks the end of our dating and as much as I hate it, we must both accept that this is for the better for both of us."

"I never would have expected that we would get here and yet here we are. It is the right time to be saying our goodbye." 

 

Different Personalities

You treated me like an option, so I left you like a choice.”  - Unknown

 Realising after a short time that you are both very different people with different behaviours, morals and boundaries should be a big catalyst to say so and to end it:

"There are just things that are not meant to be and we have to realize that early on. It is time to recognise our differences and move on."

"Though what we had was real, it is time to move on as I have realized that sometimes the initial spark won’t last."

"I never wanted to let you go but we must face reality, we must face the facts that we no longer fit together now."

 

If He Is Hurting

“It takes bravery to end a relationship.” - Leona Lewis

Even though you know, in advance, that you bringing the dating to a stop will hurt him, that is no reason to continue dating him or to avoid him so that you don't have to confront his pain. It is kinder to him to end something that you know is ultimately going no-where and to free him to meet someone new, once his pain has eased. His pain is not your responsibility, that is for him to deal with. So if you know you can't love him, it is time to say so and to end it:

"Life is not meant for you to be sad, it is meant to be lived thoroughly and happily. I don’t feel that would be the case if we became a couple, therefore I am ending our communication."

"I know that ending our dating isn’t what you want and that pains me but this isn’t what I want anymore. If you care for me you will let me go, as I am doing for you"

"You will not believe this now but someday, you will realize that ending it now was for the better."

 

If You Are Hurting

“A breakup is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave then risk hurting yourself trying to pick up all of the broken pieces.” - Unknown

Ending something with a person that you have grown a connection with is hard. You will miss them and the part that they have been playing in your life. But if you know that you do not have the potential to be life long partners than you must go through that separation for the good of you both and especially for you. You must accept and go through the emotional pain stage because it is much better to go through a small amount of pain now than a huge amount further down the road. Being sad and grieving a loss is an inevitable part of our lives. Be brave and give yourself permission to go through it, knowing that when you come out the other side, you will be whole again and life will be good. The next person you meet will be everything you have ever dreamt of and the short period of pain will have been worth it. When you know ending things is better for your long term happiness, it is time to say so and to end it:

"It is sad when a relationship fails but it is better to know it early on than later after commitments have formed."

"I am just sad that we are here at the end of relationship when we just barely got to know each other but it is better to end it here so that we can both find true happiness."

"I wish we had never got here, to the end of our dating relationship, but it is something that we must do for us both."

 

Wish to stay single

“She remembered who she was and the game changed” – Lalah Deliah

When we have been off the dating scene for a while and we dip our toe back into the dating waters it is not at all uncommon to have a 'too soon' reaction, even if you are dating a lovely man. It may be that you simply need more time to yourself, to find out who you are or to heal a little further before you open up to someone fully in your life. If this is how you feel, it is time to say so and to end it:

"I want to evolve, I want to be able to go through a time of being myself but expanding also and I don’t feel that it is fair to do that whilst growing a relationship."

"For me to continue dating just because you want me to isn’t healthy for me at the current time."

"I am more certain than ever that I need to be single for a while and re-set my values." - you can replace 'values' with 'foundation' or 'self esteem' or 'priorities' or any other intention that you have. 

 

Possible Friendship

“Until it’s my turn, I will keep clapping for others. It’s really that simple” – Bondi Guru

If you have a connection with someone who you don't feel a romantic connection with but you do feel you would like to keep them in your life and you suspect that they may feel the same way...(that a healthy, supportive friendship can remain that will not cross boundaries)...then you may wish to end clearly the potential for romance and relationship but by being honest and up-front suggest the option of cultivating a lasting friendship. It is time to say so and to end it - the dating that is!

"Our friendship has grown into something that is important to me and although I don’t see a romantic relationship for us, your continued friendship would be something I would love to have in my life."

"I feel this is where we should end our dating/relationship story. Perhaps a friendship story may be possible instead?"

"The connection we have made is valuable to me and I would like to continue it, however as friends and not a relationship, would you like that?"

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The further down the dating journey you have gone with the person you are ending things with, the more of a dialogue you may need to give to ensure that the person has healthy closure for themselves and really gets the message that you are done. Only you will know how much the person you are dating needs to hear. You can therefore use a combination of the above phrases and comments in your communication of the appropriate length, be it verbal or in writing, to provide them with a clear, yet kind conformation of your intention. 

Remember you BOTH want to come out of the separation with the clear understanding that no-one is to blame, that the reason for the separation is one of two separate people who are wonderful in their own rights just not being aligned to create a long term future as a couple. No harm done and both can move on undamaged to try on someone else for size!