Find out right off the bat whether your desires and values are aligned with the person you are considering Dating. Sounds easy, just ask em! We know it’s not that simple but it actually isn’t hard, if you know how to do it. My FREE One Method Dating Guide can give you a quick guide to start you off....
When I worked with several different professionals 7 years ago, trying to understand why my dating had been a disaster and I still hadn’t reached my desire of meeting the love of my life and getting married at 45, I realised that I needed a new way of doing it. A new way of dating, a new plan. We worked together, I got my plan and I began to put it into practice. It was fun, I had a lot of dates and I met and married my ‘One’.
My Dating Course teaches you fully everything you need to know to do the same, from where he is hiding out, to which knife and fork to use on a date to how to leave with dignity and kindness if it’s not working out. It teaches you how to get really in tune with what you actually want in your future relationship, uninfluenced and how you want your dating journey to look and feel, with nothing left to chance.
Society tells us that there should be mystery, romance and a magical journey to falling in love. That’s too vague. Don’t leave it to the dating fairies to turn up and sprinkle you and your date with magical falling in love dust, those girls are off creating their own magical lives, its time to get practical about yours! In today’s world we have too many variables, too much going on in our lives now to leave it up to chance. We have too many aspects that we need compatibility in, in order to lead a positively functioning life ourselves, we can’t have someone coming in and muddling that all up, we have too many spinning plates in the air. There will be romance, there will be sparks but that will be magic that YOU create and it should come AFTER the practical part.
Since forming my plan, I have completely changed my mind about the information up front part. I absolutely believe that you should give your information up front and receive it in return. You don’t want to be fumbling around in the dark with this man…
not yet anyway 😉 You need to have your questions honed down that you are going to drop into conversation on that first date before you even decide if you are going to have a second one. You’re going to need to have a clear picture in your head of what you want in your relationship future in order to know what those questions are going to be. Because you don’t want to be wasting your emotional time or your physical time.
You’ll need to have your responses to his questions honed down so that you are giving the correct information positively and un-edited so that he can decide if you are a right fit for him and not waste your time if he would know from the off that he couldn’t meet your needs and wants from your responses. Rejection is not personal at this stage, don’t fall into the trap of moulding yourself so that you are not rejected. You cannot keep that charade up for the rest of your life, save yourself the inevitable emotional battles and distress NOW.
Women say to me “Helen, that sounds like a job interview” Well why not? If you need a new job, you don’t see the word ‘Vacancy’ and say to yourself “I’ll take it”. You are going to spend 5 days out of your 7 days a week doing that job, 8 to 10 hours dedicated to it every day so you’re going to want to find out what that job entails. What the job actually is, what is the job description, where will you be working, who you will be working with and what are the components of that job. Can I do those, am I capable of that, do I even want to? You wouldn’t take the first job that you saw without finding out because you were so desperate for any job. So, are you so desperate for love that you will take the first person that comes along? Without finding out anything about them? You shouldn’t be! You are going to be spending 7 days out of your 7 with this person if this relationship works out so you’re going to want to find out how those 7 days are going to look in your future.
Are you going to be living where you want to live, surrounded by the kind of people that you like to be surrounded by and doing the kind of things everyday that will fulfil your wants and needs, in a happy life.
Notice that I didn’t mention financials when I was talking about your job search. But you know what your income needs to be when you are searching and you go for the job interviews that would promise the income that you need to cover your outgoings and extra for your leisure activities. You think about it, you see if that income matches your circumstances and your needs and wants. You wouldn’t take a job that didn’t do that.
It should be the same with your relationship.
You have a standard that you like to live to, so will this relationship meet your needs in that area, is this person going to be on the same page as you when it comes to standards? You are going to spend your life within these parameters. Are the standards that you each individually desire to live to in place now or will there be progression of some kind. We’re not talking about gold digging here, on either side. We are talking about, do you see yourself working hard to attain a higher standard of living for yourself or do you see yourself remaining at the level that you at now, you have fulfilled your desire in that area and you are happy.
Is that compatible with him? What are his desires for his future? Will he be at work long hours because he is driven to move on up in the world or is he happy with his lot now, he has reached his desire level and fulfilled his standards need and so he will be at home lot a lot in the future because he desires to work part time or retire soon? It matters. Because if the standard you both find yourself at in your relationship future together is misaligned, it will cause resentment. Resentment from him if you are driving him to move on up or resentment from you if your life changes because he is ‘under your feet’ at home.
“Why do I have to think about all that now, at the beginning?” you say “That’s not very romantic” Well let me put it this way, do you want to travel down a path with someone you have a lot of chemistry with, get emotionally attached, maybe situation attached (living together, marriage) only to end up cursing the ground he walks on because you have NOTHING in common anymore but the physical…and that’ll probably go along with the love! It’s going to cause un-happiness for you both so why waste the emotional energy and the physical time on another failed relationship.
It's important. It’s important to get this information within the first few communications, within the first few dates before you get attached in any way so that you don’t waste your time and energy. You don’t WANT to become attached in any way to anyone who isn’t going to be aligned with your life desires because you are incompatible in aspects in the future. You will go through emotional pain again. Pain along the path as obstacles arise and contrary to popular belief, relationships ARE NOT hard, you do not have to suffer for love! And you will go through more breakup pain, more feelings of failure and regret. Why go running off down a path that will bring you those things, madness!
Now here’s the thing, have you ever been one of those people who takes a new job and thinks, “that jobs not how I want it to be right now but I will change it. I’m going to take the job anyway and I’m going to show them all how my way of working is much more efficient. That office isn’t run the way that I want it to be either so I’m going to change it! I’ll settle for less money than I wanted initially but I’ll persuade the boss to give me a pay rise, once she sees the amazing work that I am doing and all the wonderful x, y, z changes that I have made. She’ll see my true worth then as her employee and she’ll value me so much that she’s bound to reward me for it”.
And were you stuck in that job for a few years, 5 days out of your 7, giving it you’re all, becoming increasingly miserable and resentful of the other staff because they wouldn’t change the way that they worked. The office reorganisation never did happen as promised and you ended up hating your boss because you knew she could see how hard you were working and how much your hard work had improved the company but she still hadn’t given you any more financial reward for it. She had talked the talk but it never happened. Your only options were to leave and find another job or stay there un-happily for the rest of your working life.
The same can happen in your Dating life… are you a ‘changer’?
Are you a changer in the dating world? Do you check out a profile, chat on a dating app, go on a date and think to yourself, he’ll change when he sees my x, y, z? When I introduce my new plan for our relationship re-shuffle and my vision for our new office location. He’ll be so impressed by my graphs and my future profitability predictions that he’ll toss his old way of working into the shredder and we’ll be riding the waves of success together! Betcha he won’t. Betcha he likes sharpening his pencil that way and there no way he’s changing his own ink cartridge. No, there will be board meetings and disciplinaries and eventually either you or him will get the sack…because you can no longer work together. Do you see how many women fall into that trap?
We are excellent ‘changers’ as women. We change our outfits, we change our hairstyles, we change our cushions, we change our wallpaper, our leisure activities…how many men do you know that do that? That’s not a criticism of men in any way. But how many do you know that change their hairstyle regularly, the style of their clothing often, redecorate their homes every year? A lot of men like ‘SAME’.
They get things to how they want them to be and they KEEP them that way. They are settled and content and do not want to change that. A little bit of a cliché example, is that men will wear the same pair of slippers until they are worn out but women will have 5 different pairs of all varieties from slip on crock style to knee high unicorns, complete with horns and we’ll still grab that cute pair that makes us laugh in the supermarket. Men just don’t do that. Look how many pairs of men’s slippers there are in the supermarket to choose from, if you don’t believe me. Women like CHANGE.
So, do you see how we can approach dating the same way? We can be too flexible because we expect change in the relationship, change in the man. We think to ourselves, he looks alright but he lives a bit too far away…he’ll move when he falls for me and cant stay away. He’ll have to stop that golfing hobby or we won’t see much of each other at the weekends but he’ll want to spend his time with me instead anyway so that’s ok. Hmm that job he has won’t be bringing in enough money to meet ‘our’ standards so he’ll need to change that, he can take some more qualifications. Within a short time you will have mentally ‘changed’ all the bits and bobs that show up in his profile that don’t meet your desires and standards and convinced yourself they are ‘no problem’ they can be changed!
But this Good Man is showing you his NOW on his profile, what makes you think he wants to change any of it? Would you? If you met a nice guy and he said “I like your appearance but you need to change everything about your life before I’d consider a relationship with you” You’d be horrified and cross!
If you wouldn’t and you’re thinking to yourself, well I could change a lot things or yes I’ll change everything just to ‘get’ him, then you really do need my Dating Course!!
