What does accountability mean in dating?
The dictionary definition of accountability is: the fact of being responsible for what you do and able to give a satisfactory reason for it, or the degree to which this happens
So what does that mean when we are dating and how is it relevant? Well, it's a subject that makes me...quite cross actually! I'll tell you why. There are hundreds of really good women, lovely women who are made to feel guilty during the dating process and yes I know, I harp on about you needing to be aware that your reaction to an outside assumption of you can be controlled by your own reaction to that but come on...
I listen to women who tell me stories of nasty texts, arsey emails, slanderous social media posts and all that they have committed to the person they are dating or considering dating is a little bit of their time. No promises of futures, no arrangements of time to be spent together and no bonding rumbles in the jungle sheets! Both have remained in their own trees, in their own neck of the woods and no-one has swung themselves anywhere and yet, the person they are dating has gone down a tropical beach full of fantasies with palm trees, not oak trees and whilst you are seeing tiny acorns, they are seeing coconuts bouncing down all over the shop!!
Irritating!!
At the beginning, unless you are dating someone that you have know previously as a friend or work colleague, this person is basically a stranger to you. I'll say it again...a stranger! You owe them nothing. Manners, yes, we all keep our dating manners. We respond to messages, we are open, honest and transparent. If we say we will meet up on a date, we show up, we give them our attention, we leave politely. But what we are NOT is indebted in any way...yet. At this point, aside from a respectful message if you no longer wish to communicate or see that person (and you will find how to deliver that message with kindness in my post "Leaving With Dignity & Kindness") you are not expected to do any more than say goodbye AND you would not expect to receive rudeness, bitterness or nastiness when you do. If you get that, it is not your responsibility to deal with that!
Only you will know where your true level of accountability lies, dependant on how far you are down the dating path and because you also need to be sensitive to the person that you have had the interaction with. You will have, on some level, realised where this person is on their self-esteem, self-worth and foundation scales and you really do need to keep your behaviours at a safe level so that doesn't impact on those. I'm not being preachy here, I'm just saying that there are speeds to skip along that path to, speeds that keep things at a comfortable level for you both. Rushing headlong into "do we have chemistry together because if we don't I'm wasting my time" territory of first kisses, first fumbles and first sex DOES create a connection and a level of accountability and those may have a different perception of commitment level for each of you. Meeting friends or even family can give underlying messages to people of "I'm moving into your life" and raise expectations of a future together when, in actual fact, that was not your intention of using the spare ticket to go see the band you couldn't get a ticket to see for love nor money...with all his mates.
If he, in his perception, is way further down the path in his expectation of where you are at in your dating journey, ask yourself, did I give that impression through my actions and if I did then how accountable am I for that? And subsequently if that has happened, you would need to give more of an action in your ending the liaison than simply sending a text message...that simply wouldn't do, you would not be being accountable for your actions.
Obviously all of this works the other way around as well. Be aware of how quickly a man is moving you into his world because if he decides a little way down the path that you are not for him and sticks a post it note on your computer screen at the office to end things, you are going to feel hugely let down if you have spent your break times rearrange his pencil case in the store room. His level of accountability is pretty crappy if he does that to you. It is all something to bare in mind and my personal advice is don't move too fast too soon and form accountability before you are ready.
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