Your Relationship Future

When I ask the question "What does your relationship future look like?" I am often met with befuddled looks and LOTS of err's and um's! 

We get pretty clear on the type of man we want when we are dating but not so much on the type of relationship future being with that man is going to give us. Sure, we may have nailed down the emotions of love and attraction and possibly even outcomes of marriage and children but those, even though they are goals, are vague. What do I mean by that?

Those things are your end goals but to make them attainable there are steps to reaching those goals along the dating path, they don't just come overnight. Have you thought about how YOU are going to get there? What are those steps? Do you have a clear plan or are you just leaving it up to fate?

Errrrr yeah I wouldn't do that! 

How is fate going to know what is going to make you happy and for that matter how is any man you meet going to know, if you don't really know yourself? Makes you think doesn't it!

When I ask the good women on My Dating Plan dating course to dream of their relationship future, I'm not asking them to dream of their white Wedding or dream of walking along a paradise beach with Mr Perfectly Wonderful. I am asking them to dream of their everyday! The normal day-to-day future that they and all of us will have because that is where we are all heading. After the initial falling in love and relationship building, magical romance faze, ANY long term relationship will settle down into 24/7 of being together, living together normality and how do YOU want that to look? How do YOU want it to feel? 

Now we're not talking boring normality here. Being in love, living the life of your dreams with the man of your dreams is never boring, it IS wonderful being with Mr Wonderful!! But and this is a BIG BUT it'll turn sour or at the very least become lessened, if that life you are living isn't aligned with your needs and wants. You NEED to get pretty bloomin clear on those and pretty bloomin clear that the man you have chosen to have your future with is going to be on the same page as you so that YOU have every chance of getting all of those needs and wants met in your future. 

So...back to that everyday. We wake up everyday, we get up and we launch ourselves into our day. Be it a mothering day, a working day, a leisure day, a retirement day...it has lots of different elements to it that have the potential to make us happy or unhappy. And here's the thing...happy or un-happy without any influence from anyone else. Read that again! What does that mean? 

Where do you wake up? What circumstances are you waking up in? What standards? 

If you think of a future relationship, what are going to be the answers to those questions that are going to give you happiness? Where have you and your partner decided to live? What does your home together look like? What standard is it at? 

When you are first dating someone and you KNOW the answers to your future wants and needs questions, you can communicate that to the men that you are dating. "I want to live in the country" or "I want to live in a cottage" and "I'm a neat and tidy person so I like a well ordered, tidy home life" 

If the man who you are dating likes a more buzzing kind of lifestyle with chrome modern interiors and hairy, slobbery dogs you're probably not going to achieve the type of relationship future home life that will fulfil you. Read my blog post Ch Ch Changes if whilst you we're reading that your mind drifted to "I can change him".

When you are launching into that day of yours, what do you want to be doing? Are you wanting to spend a great deal of that day with him...everyday? Do you see yourself running a business with your future partner, spending every working day together building your dream? 

If you have secretly held a desire to run a pub, spending your future as the host and hostess with the mostest, don't just expect that he will magically skip into a landlord future with you because he read your mind and found 'the perfect little pub' for you. You need to define that dream for yourself before you even begin to date so that you know exactly the steps that will need to be taken to achieve that future happiness goal and then you can make sure that 'he' wants to climb that ladder with you. If the man that you are dating tells you that he's always been a lazy arse and he likes to spend his leisure time watching telly then he's probably not going to be up at 6am on a Monday morning ready for the barrel man to arrive and he's probably not still going to be in the bar the following Sunday evening at 11pm cajoling the last stragglers out the door and off to bed. YOU will be doing all of that and it will most definitely not be the relationship future daily working life that YOU want and need. No amount of love will stop the resentment creeping in through the cellar door!

How about your normal day to day evenings? How will they look? How will they feel? 

Will your needs be met cooking together each evening, sharing a bottle of wine, chatting about your days. That happens in the beginning stages of relationships but will that be enjoyable and 'living the relationship dream' for you both a few years down the line? If you like to eat out several times a week but the man you are dating has chosen a career path that will make that a financial strain for your future relationship, it'll cause problems because that need in you will need to be sacrificed. Do you want to make that sacrifice? 

How about weekends and family occasions? When you sit and think about your future, think really hard and get really clear on what your needs are in those areas. The more you can think and get clear of each and every aspect of daily life and each and every want and need you have the more clear you will get on what your relationship future needs to look like in order for you to be happy. If you are both on the same page in those aspects, aside form the romance and compatibility parts, your life, your relationship future will be 10 times the richer for it. 

Here is a list of things to get clear on, it is by no means exhaustive...

Before you say to me, as many women do "But that is so practical! It will all just fall into place won't it?" let me ask you, how much of it do you want to leave up to fate, leave up to chance, leave up to him to decide? 

* Location - where do you both see yourselves living now & in the future, location and circumstance

* Standards - what are your home environment standards - cleanliness, tidiness, decoration

* Standards - do your personal standards align - manners, cleanliness, social  

* Compatibility - do both of your morality standards align

* Compatibility - do both of your outlook standards align

* Commitment - are your ideals of future commitment aligned  

* Family - what are both of your family commitments and choices for family involvement 

* Friends - how do friends feature in both of your lives

* Financials -  are your financial comfort levels aligned 

* Career - are your career paths compatible, current and future

* Leisure - how do you both like to spend your free time

* Future - what are both of your future goals...are they in tune 

After looking at this list are you thinking crikey! I need to have a good think about all of this? You should be because this is how you are going to live the rest of your life...